Monday 7/2: The 5 Worst Albums
Tuesday 7/3: Mid-Year Listening Report
Wednesday 7/4: The 10 Best Albums
Thursday 7/5: The 50 Best Songs
The first half of 2018 provided some pretty great, memorable songs. However, there were a few songs that I just HATE. As of right now, here are my Top 5 worst songs that I never want to listen to ever again.
Dishonorable Mention: Drake - I'm Upset
From: Scorpion
Before Drake ended up getting exposed for HIDING A CHILD on "The Story of Addidon," Drake released this song to promote his new album. The song is paired with a decent video that reunites the cast of Degrassi, but that doesn't hide how mediocre this song is. Drake sounds very bored throughout and doesn't switch up his flow. It doesn't help that the production gives off a chill vibe because combing that with Drake practically sleep-rapping through this song makes a pretty nice insomnia cure. I know I've asked this question a bunch of times already, but how in the everliving fuck did this song make Side A of Scorpion and not "Diplomatic Immunity?" God, this song sucks.
5) Kanye West feat. Ant Clemons x Ty Dolla $ign - All Mine
From: ye
It doesn't matter if the chorus was sung by Valee, Jeremih, or whoever the fuck this Ant Clemons guy is. That hook is laughably bad. Ty Dolla $ign was the only redeeming part of this track as his short verse is the only part that doesn't make me cringe. The beat for this track is so minimal that this song may as well be acapella. And then Kanye puts the cherry on top by not only referencing that the benefit of a nice set of boobs is being able to multitask, but also mentioning that the society that we live in would not exist if it weren't for cum. I'm convinced that the reason why I hated this album so much on my first listen was because of this song.
4) XXXTentacion feat. Judah x Carlos Andrez x Rio Santana - I don't even speak spanish lol
From: ?
Look, XXXTentacion's death is sad enough as it is, but let's not pretend his music was flawless. ? is a mess of an album no matter how dead or alive X is. It was basically a showcase of throwing a bunch of shit at a wall and seeing what sticks. There were many ideas that failed miserably on this album, but the biggest failure of them all was trying to make a Latin-pop track. First off, XXXTentacion is barely in the song as he first comes in the middle of the chorus following the second verse. His verse is only four lines and by staying true to the title, Mr. Tentacion doesn't speak a lick of Spanish. This song is one of those ideas that seem great initially until you try to play it out for real. This didn't need to be on the album and any excuse for it to even be passable had already been thrown out the goddamn window by now.
I'd like to note that I almost didn't put this song on this list since it's made by a YouTuber. However, this song angers me so fucking much that I really need to let my frustration out.
I'd like to note that I almost didn't put this song on this list since it's made by a YouTuber. However, this song angers me so fucking much that I really need to let my frustration out.
3) Jake Paul feat. Anthony Trujillo x Sunny Malouf - My Teachers
From: Somewhere on YouTube
Remember "It's Everyday Bro?" If you haven't heard that song, I'd suggest you keep it that way. The artist behind that god-fucking-awful posse cut has somehow managed to make something worse. You know those twitter memes where people don't know about taxes but know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell? It's like that was made into a song, except it's devoid of any irony or humor. Imagine being a 21-year-old man and writing a diss track directed at high school teachers. God, where to begin? Let's start with the video. The music video features the 9-year-old girl that we somehow made famous, Lil Tay, who wants to be Lil Pump so fucking badly that she even steals the famous Harvard Dropout meme. In the opening skit, Jake Paul is falling asleep in class and then asks the question, "Why don't you actually teach us shit we're gonna know?" And then they throw a bunch of shit at the teacher and tie him up. Now, let's get into the song. It starts off with this awful hook:
"My teachers never taught me that / How to deal with this or that / How to make my paper stack / How to get a DM back / How to buy a Lambo cash"
First of all, none of that shit needs to be taught in school. These are all simple things you can learn by yourself without the help of any teachers. What about, "How do I pay my taxes?" or "How do I write better music?" This hook is just an excuse to flex anyway. And then there's this line. I swear someone lost a rap battle over this:
"I had to make like a banana and split"
What's worse, that line or "Always plug merch, link in bio?" And then Sunny Malouf, who is better at rapping than Jake Paul but is still incredibly devoid of talent, starts rapping and says this line that isn't really that important but still angers me to my fucking core:
"I walk in the class, I got Supreme on my J's"
First of all, there is nothing cool about walking into a classroom. Second, not every goddamn shoe is a pair of J's. They're just Supreme shoes. Or did Supreme and Jordan collaborate to make an incredibly expensive shoe? Doesn't matter, this line still sucks. Now let's get to the most tolerable verse, which doesn't say much because it still sucks, Anthony Trujillo's:
"Never taught me how to flow / When I be on the beats"
Ugh. Again, this is something that you can easily teach yourself or pay someone for lessons. There are definitely lessons (that everyone in Team 10 desperately needs) on learning how to rap well. Also, you're barely on the beat. But here's the stupidest line in that verse:
"And the teachers never cared about my California dream"
Why should they? They're here to teach you Math or Science or English, not listen to your dreams. They're already not being paid enough to teach the class and now they have to deal with your bullshit. This song is just sad. The rapping is terrible, the production is annoying, there's barely any semblance of flow, and the worst part is that Jake Paul, a 21-year-old millionaire, felt the need to make a diss track on high school teachers even though high school politics has no effect on him and that they're just trying to do their fucking jobs. Fuck this song. And yet, this song isn't as bad as my top 2.
2) Pick any song from TOTAL XANARCHY by Lil Xan
Why should I make an effort to pick a song from this excuse for an album when Lil Xan barely put any effort into it? Every song on this album sucks. They all sound the same and they're all terrible. The only remotely tolerable song on here is "Betrayed," which isn't even that good of a song. You can pick the one you were scarred by the most and let me know. For me, it would have to be "Saved By the Bell."
My #1 pick for worst song of the year was probably the easiest choice. There wasn't a single song that made me angrier than this absolute piece of shit.
1) Lil Dicky feat. Chris Brown - Freaky Friday
From: Lil Dicky's upcoming sophomore album
I remember when I first checked out this song and I felt like I wanted to die. I didn't think Dicky could get much worse than that godawful I'm Brain EP, and yet here we are. For what it's worth, this is actually a good song concept that could work with the right artists. Instead, we're stuck with the unfunny version of The Lonely Island and a scumbag artist who does nothing but ruin songs with out-of-place hooks and overly sexual verses. Sadly, the leftover DJ Mustard beat from 2014 isn't the worst part of this track. The worst part of this track is that this is basically a song about how awesome Chris Brown is (NOT FUCKING TRUE). According to Lil Dicky, what is the best benefit of being Chris Brown?
"Wonder if I can say the n-word / Wait, can I really say the n-word?"
That's right. If Lil Dicky has any fetishes at all, it's the idea of being able to say the n-word. I feel like Lil Dicky's biggest priority other than being regarded as one of the best rappers (HAHAHAHA) is to get the n-word pass or suddenly wake up and realize he's black. But wait, there's more! Now we get to see Chris Brown in Lil Dicky's body and oh boy, there's quite a lot to take in. In addition to the obvious self-deprecating jokes that Lil Dicky isn't a big celebrity, we then get this:
"Ain't nobody judging 'cause I'm black or my controversial past"
OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. THIS FUCKING GUY ALMOST KILLED RIHANNA, GETS OFF SCOTT FREE, CONTINUES TO BE A SCUMBAG AND THAT'S BEING THROWN AWAY FOR A JOKE AND AN EXCUSE TO PLAY THE RACE CARD?! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. Nobody's judging you because you're black, Chris. We're judging you because you clearly haven't learned your lesson and you're still a raging bag of douche, who is probably still mad no one even bothered to listen to his 45-song disasterpiece better known as Heartbreak On a Full Moon. After the two switch back to their old selves, we get to the outro which is basically an excuse to show off that Lil Dicky has connections. Starting with Ed Sheeran:
"And now I'm in Ed Sheeran's body / It's way less cool than being Chris Brown was"
In what fucking world? Ed Sheeran is at the top of his game. He has two chart-topping singles in the past year. Chris Brown is hated by many and is declining in relevancy by the minute. What exactly is cooler about being Chris Brown? Being able to say the n-word? But that's not all, here's DJ Khaled:
"I'm DJ Khaled / Why am I yelling?"
The only remotely amusing part of the song right here. That man will do anything for a paycheck...except eat his wife's pussy. Speaking of pussy, here's Kendall Jenner to close things out:
"I'm Kendall Jenner / I got a vagina, I'm gonna explore that right now / Holy shit, I got a vagina, I'm gonna learn / I'm gonna understand the inner workings of a woman"
HUR-DE-DUR ISN'T THE WORD VAGINA JUST HILARIOUS? VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGIIIIIINNNNNAAAAA! Holy fuck. This is the worst part of the song by far. In addition to having to deal with obnoxious, nasally autotune, we are subjected to a joke that goes on for way too long and wasn't even that funny to begin with. Just fucking end my suffering, please. God, this song is terrible. This piece of garbage charted in the Top 10. This piece of garbage is the reason why the Virginia Tech women's lacrosse team is in trouble for saying the n-word. This piece of garbage exists and that alone just infuriates me. Fuck this fucking song.
And there you have it, the 5 worst songs of 2018 thus far. Tomorrow, I'll be back to rate the 5 worst albums of the first half of 2018.
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